The Vagabond Don

Did she find it already? How much is it worth?

I walked through the trees that surrounded my house only to find my ramp was gone. it was 23feet tall and and had 18 inches of vert. where could it have gone. every body hated it. in fact, so much so, that they would have rather it killed me then go through the trouble of taking it away. weeks later I saw burnt wood laying in the woods. it was the piece of wood that held up the coping. bastards.

I'm a pretty important person in my kingdom. I doubt they will ever try to over throw me. Its not like leading this place is all that hard. After all, we're heading straight for the underground. Why not just sit back and enjoy the ride. afterall, this is the captain speaking. and that's how it's going down... Is we're all goin down. And if you don't like it then - 'hey, fuck you!'

I've given you ample opportunity to jump ship. if there's something that you need, god dammit, get it your self. I'm off to find my lazy boy so I can drag it up to the front. No one's going to get to see it all. but I figure that's as good a place as any to see enough before it's my turn. fuck that guy. what a fucking waste. and that's that. now, enjoy or walk the plank.

All the things I must get done. Maybe, I should make a list....

I have no desire to sit at my desk at the moment so instead I will lay in bed typing away on my laptop contemplating all the fucking shit I HAVE to get done. I have been spending most of my days here as a retoucher.  The work has been pretty cool and my portfolio looks half way decent. I have a lot of work coming in at the moment but I just need to focus and get it done. Which is what I will be doing for the next four days.

Right now, Instead of working I think I would like to spend the next little part of my life in bed and write about writing. (*please note: I am currently on a mild amount of perspective altering medications.)

Once upon a time....

She looked at me and asked, 'Why don't you go see a therapist or something? Someone to talk to and get all of this out. There's plenty of people you could go to.'

'But I'm trying to talk to you about this... right now.' I responded. 'We are talking.... Aren't we?'

She looked puzzled and put out. At the same time. How can she be both confused and not interested in talking. This was us. This was our fucking lives. Fuck, was I that bad. Am I that much of a mess?

'That's not what I mean.', she said. 'You should go see someone who could help.'

Help. It's not help I am looking for. I'm looking for this. I already found what I was looking for. My head is racing but I can't seem to get past the fact that she missed my first point.

'Why aren't we talking, is what I should be asking.' I finally responded.

Or better yet, why are you so closed off to me, is what I wanted to say. But I know why. That wall is there because of me. Mostly. It was started way before I got here. But I finished laying those bricks. I put in most of the work on building that wall.

I didn't answer her question. She didn't answer mine. But I guess that was our answer to both.

This is my psychiatry appointment. I miss this. I miss writing openly and honestly about my fucked up life. I miss making a comparison to my own day to day with that of what I see around me. Or my interactions with the rest of the world. I miss letting everything out as I lay on the couch, or in this case my bed, and verbalize all these internal thoughts and emotions. I don't need to rationalize my life or my existence. I don't need to figure it out. I damn sure don't require anyone to hear or read or examine me as a person.

What I do need is an outlet. A way to take these things set them aside.

Putting them in plain sight has only helped keep them honest. If nothing is hidden than why try to hide it.

In this case, writing has been that outlet. And I haven't been taking advantage of it enough.

Instead I have been keeping it all in or most of it anyway and not doing anything with it. I am running out of room in there. I have to keep moving things around to make it all fit. But things are getting lost. I forget where I put it all. Currently, I can't seem to find something. I forgot what I did with it completely. It's gone.

I might have lost that one forever. I just wish I could remember it.

I don't want to forget any other thoughts. So, I am putting them down. Writing it all out. And this is my therapy.

I have found some other outlets though. I have been going to yoga as much as possible. The last two weeks have been tough with chemo and then the kid coming up. But hopefully I will have time over the next four days to do go.

Training for this Tri is a new outlet for me. Which I also need to do more of.

Fuck. And now once again I'm thinking about all of the shit I need to get done.

But this medication is making me sleepy.

The Beautiful-Chaotic Nature of Life... with a bit of bloggy style.

As I read the title back it occurred to me that it sounds a little dirty. Not my intention. But damn funny.

Tonight my daughter and I went to see FUERZABRUTA - it was absolutely fucking amazing. 

I found myself clapping, then dancing, cheering, then at one point even tearing up a little. All while standing and looking straight up.

I am not sure what every scene represented or exactly what the hidden meaning behind it all was but I found myself reflecting over the past few years, 5 to be exact, and thinking about all the times I was running against time, influence, what was 'right' or correct and at times even common sense. I can think of a thousand thoughts that, if followed through with, would have held me back. In other words.... I have wanted to give up or turn around and listen to the fear. OBEY. You know what FUCK OBEY! 

Man, RUN. Run as fast as you fucking can. Break down all the walls in your way and run some more. Don't ever stop running. 

There was a point in the production where the cast began to dance. Each one would look and scream at the crowd. The influence to follow was so fierce that at one point I yelled back. They danced as if they were saying they didn't give a shit about what the observers thought. They danced. And they would scream. They would throw boxes and confetti and would scream. AGGHGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!! God it made me feel like I was going to explode splattering energy and life all over those around me. Slapping the guy next to me in the face with the shrapnel of my soul. Fuck it was exciting. 

Then when I came home I received an email from a friend I met in Austin last year. Actually, I received an email from two separate friends I met in Austin last year at a retreat for young adults with cancer. 

One encouraged me to keep training for the triathlon. 

The other encouraged me to continue to be myself. 

It's great to hear that I have influence. It's just as good to know that I have found a support system in such a chaotic and violent world. But it is just as encouraging to believe that no matter how chaotic life can get I can always run. I can always dance. And I still have a voice. 

And with it I scream. 

I scream at all those who look on. 

Every observer. 

And I may not have the most eloquent of speeches or the most beautiful voice but you know....

I can still scream. And all I care to say is this:

I LOVE LIFE! 

I LOVE IT AND EVERYTHING ABOUT IT! 

EVERY DAY, 

EVERY MINUTE,

EVERY EXPERIENCE!

AGHGHGHGHGHGHGHHHH...... I LOVE MY LIFE!

And THANK YOU for living it with me.

It's hard to type with your fingers crossed.

No pictures, yet. But I have been running and riding just about everyday. Training for something - having a goal to reach is helping with the motivation. But, the amount of stress my body has been through.... well, only time will help fix that. It's very frustrating everytime I leave my house to run. I know I will only make it for a minute or so before I half to walk. Then I can start running again, then walk, then run.... fuck. I really hope I can make it. I want to at the very least get to the starting line with some hope that I can finish. Now, whether I finish or not - who cares. But I have to make it to that damn starting line.

Cady is here this week. Tonight we are going to see some crazy show. Details to follow. A friend bought us tickets to it.

Otherwise, today is just another day here in NY. Looking for a new place to live. Can't wait to get out of this one. Fingers croseed.

Though, it's hard to type with your fingers crossed.

Superfluke In Training

This year is a milestone year for me. 

Friday, March 13^th marks one year from the Allogeneic transplant that has added at least one more year to my life.

On April 2^nd 2004 I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma.  This year will be my fifth year of fighting for my life.

On July 26^th I will be competing in the NYC Triathlon.

I have joined Team in Training to help fight against, and find a cure for blood cancers. It is my goal to raise $2,600 for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. The LLS has been a beneficial resource, both financial and informational, for me since my diagnosis 5 years ago.

This year marks the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society’s 20^th year anniversary.

It is in the spirit of the 20^th anniversary that I am doing the $20 Challenge. I am asking you, my family, friends, and co-workers, to donate a minimum of $20 per person to help those affected by Leukemia, Lymphoma, and Myeloma. If you know me well enough then you, in some way, have been affected by Lymphoma.

My personal fight against cancer has been far from personal.  Many people, friends, family, co-workers and perfect strangers have supported me again and again and again. More so than a person should ever have to ask or expect. Yet, the support continues.

In the spirit of this selfless support I will be joined on July 26^th by Rebecca Black as we jump into the Hudson River on the banks of NYC to swim a mile, hop out and bike 25 miles through Manhattan and the Bronx, and finish up with a 6.2 mile run through Central Park.

I do not think I could finish this alone. So, I am including her name in this letter. She too is raising $2600 for the LLS. And helping her reaching her goal is as important as me finishing this race.

Despite the incredible coaching I will receive up until race day and the inspiration of someone racing in my honor, I, like many of my 400 fellow racers, have a personal cause to push me to the finish line. It would be my privilege to race in the honor of your friends, family, and loved ones as well. With your donation, please tell me the name of whom you would like to honor and their name will earn a place on my race jersey.

In addition to raising the $2600 for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society I need to purchase a road bike for the race. Unfortunately, they are not cheap. Even the cheap ones are expensive.

If this was not daunting enough, I am currently going through treatment for my disease.  But I am as determined to finish this race as I am to beat this disease.

So how can you participate in the $20 Challenge? There are two ways to donate to this event.

Feel free to mail your donation directly to one of us. All checks and money orders must be made out to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.

JUSTIN SULLIVAN

2315 31st AVE #2

ASTORIA, NY 11106

REBECCA BLACK

82 CLINTON AVE, APT #1

BROOKLYN, NY 11205

Visit our race websites at:

Me: http://pages.teamintraining.org/nyc/nyctri09/superfluke 

Rebecca: http://pages.teamintraining.org/nyc/nyctri09/rblack1zrp

This is also a great way to keep track of our progress as it will be updated often to keep everyone up to date with how we are doing.

Your donation to LLS is 100% tax deductible!

If you are inspired to help me find a bike please send any checks to me directly. This, however, is not tax deductible. But greatly appreciated! Believe it not $5 will go a long way (if I can get enough people to donate $5 that is).

So, as I begin my training I would like to offer you a heartfelt THANK YOU for your financial and moral support for both of us.

If you’re in NYC - July 26^th is race day and your cheers at the finish line would be greatly appreciated!!!!

 

A loss is a loss. And it hurts.

Have you lost something you could not replace?

Have you ever had a day that a snow cone couldn't fix?

I've lived a lifetime filled with both.

I gave away the greatest gifts of life. I looked for things that did not exist in the most ridiculous of places. I always found good things I did not deserve. Yet, sought for something better. 

I have fought. To death I have fought. And now I am tired. The fight is not over but I am tired. 

I realize that I have missed out on all the great things life has given me. 

I have missed my daughters entire life. Every moment. 

I gave up my relationship with my fiance and for what? She was the single most amazing person I have ever met. Well, her and my daughter that is.

I threw it all away because for some reason I had convinced myself that there was something better out there. 

There isn't.

There never was. 

And now I know there never will be.

I am ok with making mistakes. It's just the loss of something I will never get back that crushes me. 

And with that crushing feeling in my heart I see how many people I have hurt with my actions. I can look back and see how many times I have caused another person to feel that crushing feeling in their heart.

This is not an apology.

This is not my final letter. (at least I hope not)

This is my confession.

I am weak.

I am tired.

And now I am alone.

My heart hurts. And there is nothing that can fix it.

I can't wait any faster.

Waiting. Lot's of stress and waiting. Waiting as fast as you can. I can't wait any faster.

Everything is moving so fast. Everything but my life. My life is in slow motion like I am floating in the ocean while the ship sinks.

The difference between drowning and staying above water is becoming unclear. I can't tell if I am going under or if this is still considered swimming. Either way there's no time to relax.

Holding on to the hope that this is going to get better wear's you thin. It makes it difficult to relax when there is so much to wait for. Not that it's coming anytime soon. But the waiting period is stressful. Why? I have no idea. But all of this waiting is killing me. Or teaching me something... hmmm, curious.

Though, this is New York Fucking City. And anything can happen.

It's been interesting so far.

I guess this is as good of place as any.

I can't seem to figure out where I am on this damn timeline. Am I in the future right now? Is this what life is going to be like in 10 years? Alone. Floating through the day mindless and numb. It's unreal how quickly the night turns the day into a city of darkness. Is this what the future holds?

No, I must have jumped back in time to correct some mistake of the past. Relive my errors so I can learn from them. Everything seems so familiar. Vague yet still something I know. Why here though? There are so many things I need to learn. Countless opportunities in my life to change and move on. Am I set to repeat them over and over until I figure it out and become a better me?

I am so turned around right now. I can't tell my front from my back. There's no possible way this is my present. I can't really be here. However, from day to day I feel like this is exactly where I am supposed to be. Isn't that what the present is? Or is it just the place that you are? If that's the case where am I supposed to be?

I have no idea.

Maybe it's nothing. Maybe none of this is real.

I guess this is as good of a place as any. Real or not.

That's Fan-Testicle!

In two weeks I will have one of my testicles removed.... and it's not even the one with cancer in it.

They will make a small incision, remove the testicle, drain the fluid that has built up around it and made it the size of an extra large egg, and then they will hopefully put the testicle back. Yes, that's the one without the cancer in it.

The other one, Mr. Righty, is showing up on my scans with signs of cancer. Fan-testicle!  There is nothing that can be done about it unless I want them to remove it and NOT put it back. No thanks. Cancer or no cancer I would like to keep my bacon and eggs in tact.

Also, there is a tumor that has permanently placed itself in my spine. At the beginning of the year I had three large tumors in my spine. One of them still remains. It is the same one I had radiation on a couple months back. As of right now it is the size of a tennis ball. It hasn't grown but hasn't shrunk either. 

I have been diagnosed with three types of cancer now. Hodgkin's lymphoma, Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia, and Testicular.  The last two are a result of the Hodgkin's.  Though at this point I think cancer is just fucking cancer. It doesn't seem to matter where it is. It still sucks.

Cancer - 3  /  Justin - 0

I know that cancer will forever be a part of my life. But I was hoping it would not be such a significant part. No luck.

Right now I am sitting on the train on my way back to NYC. Today was not the best day I've ever had.

But I have had worse.

My Faith ith Froethin.

Hello. Hi... Is this thing on?

Alright, here we go. I've been working. A lot. In fact, I have had a total 6 days off since I've been here. Tomorrow being lucky number seven. And speaking of lucky I have my first check up in a month tomorrow.

The work has been great. Some days are hard. The first week I was here I left the house at 7am and walked back in the door at 9pm. But I have been able to work on great shoots with some amazing photographers. This week has been full of those days that are a little both amazing and exhausting. I worked with some of my favorite people to work with. And yet, it's so fucking cold outside that it burns your skin. Yesterday, I walked into a studio and couldn't even speak because I had been out in the cold for eight blocks. The girl at the check-in desk turned to help me when I walked in. But all I could say was, 'My faith ith froethin.'  

Tomorrow it's supposed to snow in DC. I haven't been there for a month. It feels like its been much longer. I have been taking chemo in the form of a pill. There haven't been any side effects yet. I am not sure what the specifics are of the cancer at the moment. I have been feeling good so who knows.  I could be in remission. How great would that be. Though I could also have that shit spreading again.

I'm not sure I ever wrote about this... The last time I was in the hospital was a month ago. My colon had become paralyzed because of the fucking chemo. As a result it distended and just kept stretching and stretching. It was the absolute most painful thing I have ever experienced. It happened to me before. That's when Maria, the funny asian nurse, stuck a tube in my ass. But I don't remember that time being as painful. This time... it was worse than ten bone marrow biopsies, broken ribs, tumors seperating my spine, incisions being made with no anastesia.... this was the most painful fucking thing that has ever happened. Fuck it hurt.

The day I went to DC I was in NY and had only been here for about ten days. I left the house in the morning to catch the earliest bus. When I got to the train station I actually passed out as I was walking onto the bus due to the pain. I ate shit and fell right on the bus steps. This old lady was going around me to get on first so no one even noticed me. It was probably for the best. I doubt the driver would have let me travel in my condition. The ride down was excruciating. I was convinced I was going to die on that damn bus. Sitting for five hours wondering what I should do. If I should call someone and let them know where I was... write a note for someone around me to find when I was dead.

When I got to the hospital the nurse saw my face, called for another nurse, put me in a wheelchair, and that was the last thing I really remember... they pumped me with so much morphine I couldn't talk. Then I threw up blood and went to sleep. And that was the first of seven days in the hospital. Hopefully this visit will go a little better.

I get this saturday and sunday off. I plan to go look at the windows one of those days. Some of the stores here are already putting the christmas displays up. The tree went up in rockefeller plaza.

Two weeks ago I had the the weekend off and an old friend came to visit...

I almost missed it. But Central Park still had leaves.

There is a scuplture garden a few blocks from my house we checked out...

 

That is a real car on top of the greatest trophy I have ever seen. You can barely see it... but there is a kid standing next to the eagle on the left of the base. He is in all black and red shoes.

The inscription at the bottom says, 'If wishes were horses then beggars would ride.

And so we ride.