insert image of me waving like a nerd

This could very well be the last post I make in this thing.

I started this to keep a record of my time here. I had no intention of anyone reading it. Yes, I did share it's location with people I thought would like to see inside my soul. But, now my soul feels a little used. Like I have been touched inappropriately. And even though I gave out the address, I really didn't think anyone would like to read the things I write.

It was nice that people could keep up with me without having to call and ask a ton of questions. But the fact is that I am worn out by this... I wanted to keep an online journal of my own private thoughts. Only, I don't care if you know what I am thinking. It makes it very tough to do so when I am more concerned with what people are going to say back or how they are going to read into something that is meant to be nothing more than a reminder of what I was feeling at a certain point in time in MY life. (see what I did there? I put MY in all caps. To emphasize that it's MINE.)

This feels more like a place where I come to give a quick 'slap in the face' then a safe place for me to write whatever I want. I feel as though I need to be careful with my words so I don't hurt anyone.

What about how I feel?

I have actually heard, from people who say they love me, that...

'I am too negative'

'I am too angry'

'I am to up and down' or 'emotional'

If I say, 'I am sad.'  Well, then yes I am sad. But believe me there is no need for alarm. If I were going to flip out and do something to myself or in some way try to end my life, don't you think I would have done that years ago? 

The very thought that someone thinks I would give up or they would do a better job at dealing with my life leaves me thinking one statement -

Bitch, you can't out hustle me!!!! This fucking disease is not going to bring me down that fucking deep!

Yes, I have been in a darker place than I have ever known. This has, by far, been the toughest thing I have ever dealt with in my life. And trust me.... you have no idea what the fuck I've been through. But the fact is... I see no difference. Everyone I know has had to make it through something. There will always be something new to deal with. There is undoubtedly going to be more trouble than you are prepared for. If not... than good for you, but 'meanwhile, back on earth...'

...shit here is getting crazy. And as far as I am concerned the fun's just begun. 

I hear, 'People don't know how to show they care.' or 'No one knows what to do.'

Here's the thing...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

HOW THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE ELSE?

I've been dealing with this for four years. That's longer than I've known most of my friends. Before I ever met them. I know my cancer better than I know YOU!!!! It's my closest friend.

And it doesn't scare me. I am not going anywhere. Well, I might disappear to some island somewhere. But, chances are I'm taking my cancer with me.

Thursday I found out that the cancer is no where close to being gone. It is growing.

As of right now I am not sure what will happen. We (all of us involved in this from the beginning) were under the impression that after 100 days my time here would be complete. It is not.

Saturday was my 100th day. Yes, congratulations to me!!!

Tomorrow I will hopefully hear what the doctors have planned to 'get the cancer under control' and allow the transplant to do its thing. Up to this point I have been very fortunate. Things have gone exceptionally well. There has been a time or two when I would have written that last sentence a little differently (ie: the fucking blood clots and the total meltdown in the hospital).

As far as I know the next steps might include but are not limited to:

more chemo
my sister returning to DC so they can collect more stem cells
me receiving more stem cells
radiation - but the radiologist thinks that would be a bad idea so I will see what the oncologist thinks

With all of this I am still not sure what is going to happen.

My debt is growing. I am now well over $150,000 and that does not include life after DC.

My lease runs out in two weeks.

My relationship with Shannah has taken an unexpected turn. Which in it of itself is a mind fuck and pretty devastating for all those involved.

I have no money.

No steady source of income.

Few close friends.

Little contact with my family. Though my mom and I are talking a lot more which has been nice. Hi MOM!!! (insert image of me waving like a nerd)

I am unable to make any decisions about my future due to the fact that I am not clear as to what the Doctors want to do to me....

...and I am sure there is more but I can't think of it.

I am under a little pressure here. With no answers.

But I still have hope.

I wish I could bottle hope. Then I could put a string around the top of the bottle and sell it.

'Hope on a rope.'

That would be dope on a rope. Shit. I know people would pay good money for some hope. I would be set. Nice.

And that's all I got...

I would like to close todays message with this thought:

If you like reading what I write here, then please continue to do so.

If, for some reason, you feel the need to 'get involved' and tell me your thoughts...

I have two words for you...

Suck it!

Except for Dave Shafer. Dude, feel free to write me all you want. You're such a badass. And I love you both!

 

Farewell.

Justin