Today I feel like I am going insane.
It seems the more I try to take a step back to figure things out or the more I try to be left alone and focus on getting better the more I screw everything up around me.
For the entire time that I have been going through cancer treatment I have found the following to be true...
When I need to be anonymous I can't be left alone.
But -
When I need a friend I am invisible.
Yet somehow I am always at fault when shit goes wrong.
It can leave you in a place where you just don't care anymore. I remember my childhood felt like this quite often. Eventually I got to the point where I didn't care. And I would hurt people intentially just to get it over with. I do not want to find myself in a place like that again. Where I am not concerned about the consequences of my actions. However the more I try to be a better person the colder I become.
Very numb. Very lost. Very apathetic.
I read a post on a cancer forum that I think stated it better than I ever could.
'I might be apathetic, but I'm not sure if I care.'
What a terrible place to be as a person.
Up with hope! Down with dope!
Justin
Love is all there is.
Posted by: Jessica Stewart | June 18, 2008 at 09:03 AM