6 months.
Where do I start? What the fuck do I have to say about the past six months… nothing. Everything!
Going into the past six months, I’ve never felt more prepared to do some thing as I was when I started this.
And now, I see that I was not at all prepared. At least not to live. This short period of time has changed me. In every way.
The past month of my life has been perhaps the toughest month I can ever remember. Even two months ago I was far beyond my breaking point. This past month though was just torture. I’m not sure what began first. My fear of living or my fear of living the life I had. I went into this ready to die more or less. Well, I accepted death by cancer as a possibility a long time ago. Still, going into this past treatment I felt ready to fight. Ready to give it my all. I had hope that something good was going to happen. But that thought was more specific to me and my life with Shannah. I hoped that I could have a life that was all planned out in my head. Things were already headed in that direction. I could imagine the rest of my life and it was a good life. I am not sure when that changed. I’m still trying to figure out what changed.
I finished up my time in DC as a resident. That part is over. I now have a new immune system. That part has just begun. But now I don’t know what to do. Where to go. How to work it all out. My relationship with my fiancé took a completely different turn than what we were expecting. Or hoping for. I feel now, more and more, that this part being over is the right thing. But I am still sad. I don’t want parts of that relationship to end. The friendship that we built up. This was a very difficult time for both of us. We both equally busted ass to get through it. Unfortunately, we didn’t get through it together. That fucking sucks. But, that part is over.
Now, I am back in Dallas. I will be here for two weeks. I have no plan at the moment other than to work. I have to be back in DC for another round of chemo on the 20th of July. After that I am lost. I was not prepared to live my life without Shannah. I have a few options, ideas, thoughts. But nothing concrete. It is hard for me to remember the last time I didn’t have a plan for my life. It’s a very unusual feeling for me. There are a lot of things I want to do in my lifetime. But what the fuck do I do next?
I have quite a bit of debt now. I owe too many people too much money. All because this fucking disease. I feel like this disease has taken more than I wanted to live without. But I want to keep living. I want to keep fighting for a better life. I always have and I hope I always will. There are a lot of things this disease has given me in return. The freedom to be who I am and in some ways who I want to be. An excuse to speak my mind. I am not afraid to appear crazy to the rest of the world. The fact is – I am crazy. But we all are. This experience has helped me go beyond the things I am insecure in. My body. My mind. My life. Yes I still have insecurities. But I think that having cancer has made me not fear those things about myself. All the things I don’t like. Instead I want to change them. Explore who I could be. I could never honestly say that I think cancer is an excuse to do or say anything. However, I think the fear of not living now outweighs the fear of dying. Dying from this disease doesn’t scare me as much as not living my life does.
I think that’s what I would say about the past six months of my life. I've learned more than I expected. Changed more than I'd hoped. Lost more than I wanted to. And now i have no plan. But I think it was worth every second, every penny, and every tear. It was worth it all.
I would like everyone to know this. All of the furniture and household items that were donated to me have been passed on to a homeless woman who is starting cancer treatment at the NIH. I was not fortunate enough to meet her face to face but I do know it was very appreciated. Thank you all for your help. If there was a better way to say it than that I would. I don’t know of any other way though, than…
Thank you.
To the Frank family. I am forever in your debt. You are amazing. I love you.
Kim. Well... thanks for giving me life. That was pretty cool of you.
And to Shannah, I owe you everything. More than I could ever repay. All I can offer is to live my life to the best of my ability. And I hope I can make you proud. Thank you for everything.
This will be my last blog post here. I am done with this chapter of my life. I am moving onto the next chapter whatever that may be. So, this one is done. I hope this finds its way to someone who could really use it. Perhaps someone somewhere will read about my fucked up life and find some sort of hope or healing or direction for their own life.
Thank you for sharing this experience with me. I hope you enjoyed it. I did, sometimes.
el fin
Justin
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